My normal daily routine is to roll out of bed at 5 am, let the dogs out, turn on the computer and make coffee. I usually read while I am having that first cup and the dogs are playing outside. I am not awake or truly coherent until I get a couple cups of coffee.
Friday morning was really no different, same routine, same batch of emails.......except one.......
I know my heart stopped for just a millisecond......but it was long enough for the tears to flow and uncontrollable crying to begin.
I write this blog mostly for my own therapy, not to win any awards or to impress anyone. I write about my experiences, goals, triumphs and failures with my horses. It helps me get away from the frustration of the day. I have been unable to think properly about anything since Friday morning and my house is way too clean! Busy work is best for me when dealing with news I don't like or can't bear.
You would think that if you only live 3 miles from someone and that you have been friends for a while and you have similar interests and goals, "that" someone would give you the courtesy of a phone call to tell you bad news. Nope, I got an email........from a person I thought was a friend and cared about my feelings.
The email? Well, it contained news that a very nice mare I sold 18 months ago had been put down due to colic/liver/kidney issues. It is not even clear what really was wrong with her. It read like instead of trying to do everything possible, people just "decided" to give up on her. It was a cowardly email.
When Cool Hand Lukens was diagnosed with IR/Cushings/Founder.......we did everything we could to make his life better. I also contacted his breeder and his long time prior owner, via email. Why Email? Because I did not know them. Luke was 20 and his condition hit him hard and fast. He lost his desire to eat and would/could not walk anymore. Four months of treatment did not relieve him of his pain or depression. The decision was made to finally put him to rest.
But I knew these people........I knew the owner of the boarding stable and I knew the owner of my mare. Yes, my heart hurts at the loss of the mare......such a waste! She was only 7 years old and had never ever been ill her entire life. I was her owner from the time of her weaning, I trained her, I trail rode her, I competed her.........She was the horse that didn't fit here. She deserved every test available..........liver and kidney failures are rare in horses.......was it something that was fed to her? Something in her drinking water? Some nasty weed in her day paddock? So much beauty and talent, gone!
My brain hurts from thinking, trying to figure it out myself........I am no vet, never will I claim to be. The very same feelings as when my own dear father died in an auto accident have enveloped me. I looked for closure where none was to be found. I look for reasons why. I would love to have had the chance to drive to her location, just to say good-bye to her and hold her and let her know someone really did care.
It does no good now, it is done, over, finished! I sold her, so therefore, I should be treated this way?
She was a beauty. She was purely honest. She was exciting to ride. She was delightful to train. She showed me moments of brilliance as a future competitor. She hugged you. She was delicate as a flower and tough as nails all put together. I felt good she was sold locally so I could see her on occasion.
Why do I do this to myself? Why are people so cold and heartless? Why do we love these animals so damn deeply?
The questions are still killing me, it has only been three days. I know I need more time to get over the shock of how fast she went downhill and how quickly people gave up on her. Being angry is not going to bring her back or make it better. Time will soften this. The memory of sweet, beautiful Classy will forever be in my heart.
Run girl..........you are free forever now